The "N" Word

As a 2nd grade teacher and a parent I definitely use the word "no" throughout my day.  During my first pregnancy I did a lot of reading about parenting, and I came to find out that Americans are scared to say "no" to their children.  One article said that while they understand that you might be put in a situation that requires you to say "no",  you shouldn't say it often.  While I was reading this I thought, "what the hell has happened to the parents of my generation??" My mother said "no" to me all the time and I am a very well adjusted adult that understands that sometimes there are limits.  I also read that parents don't want to say "no" to their child because they don't want to expose them to negativity, and they don't want to stunt their curiosity and creativity.  ARE THEY CRAZY!?! Even if you decided not to say "no" to your child they will know how to say "no" to you.

When I went back to work in September I didn't have a permanent position so I was placed in a school in Greenpoint,  Brooklyn.  While helping out in classes PreK-2nd grade I encountered something I have never seen before, the child of a hipster.  My 6 weeks in this school was an eye opener, and I have worked with kids for over 10 years.  The majority of my experience has been with kids ages 10-18 from low income neighborhoods.  I have dealt with my share of bad attitudes, smart ass remarks, ignorant parents, and even kids in gangs.  I'll take all of that over a child who is from a middle or upper class neighborhood, being raise by a well educated parent who doesn't believe in saying "no". 

I feel that our society, these parents, and sometimes our education system are doing an injustice to our kids.  We have started worrying so much about the mental and emotional stability of our children that we have forgotten that they are smart, resilient, able to handle everyday life frustrations, and major tragic events.  When our children go out into the real world they are going to hear the word "no" over and over again and they will not be prepared for that if they don't hear it from their parents first.  When parents send their children to school and their child has no concept of rules and limits, not only does the teacher suffer but the child and parents suffer too.  The child doesn't learn as much as they can because the teacher is too busy managing the child's inability to understand why the whole class doesn't revolve around them.  The parents suffer from embarrassment and deciding weather they are going to stick to their parenting philosophies, or if they are going to take the time to teach their child limits and how to follow rules.  Changing a child's behavior when they become school aged is not impossible, but its not a battle any parent wants to take on.

I believe that children feel safe when they have limits, guidelines, rules, consistency, and consequences.  When they know what to expect from the adults around them they relax and enjoy being a child without worrying about what will happen next.  This is another reason why sometimes children behave at school but are crazy at home.  At school their is a schedule, rules, hopefully clear consequences and many limits.  If a child understands how to function inside the box then they will be able to use all their curiosity and creativity to explore the outside of the box.

The minute my son started crawling I started saying no to him because this is when he started getting into things.  I felt that even thought I needed to make changes in my life to accommodate my child, he also needed to realize that somethings don't belong to him.  My husband and I decided that we will not allow our child to take over the apartment.  His stuff belongs in his room and he will learn that he is not allowed to touch everything in the common areas of the apartment.  Don't get me wrong, he touches stuff, but we say "no", explain to him that he is not allowed to touch, and then do it again if he touches stuff again.  Even though he is 16 months he understands what he can and cannot do, and he tests the limits but it is my job to teach him those limits.  I know if I teach my children limits now I won't have to do it later, therefore, I believe that you should say "no" as often as you need to, its one of our many rights at a parent.